i had a best friend for a year.
i had someone i loved for a year and two days.
and now i do not.
i can't concentrate on my newly found singleness.
all i can say is why?
today was unbearably difficult.
In spite of everything, I still love him.
i gave im everything, and put him infront of everything and everyone.
even my family.
i lied for him, gave him money, and kept him out of jail.
now i'm hoping that he will get locked up so that there's no chance of me running into him.
i'm sick of crying and i just want to fast forward to months from now when i feel even slightly okay.
he was everything to me.
Monday
Sunday
it's scary
how when school starts i will be:
1. okay (but as messed up as i've always been to some degree) and going on with my daily school business
2. burning time and thinking of a solution to a problem when i know there isn't a solution. hiding a terrible thing that can only lead to my psche destruction and that of my family
3. i will be gone. if i can prove what i only already know in my gut to be true, i will suffocate somewhat peacefully in my garage and hope that maybe god is easier on suicides than everyone says
You see, i have done something so terribly stupid that i honestly deserve to die.
I think back to all the movies i've seen and my morbid interest and i know that i even knew what was comming.
Everyone who has ever said smuggily, "That Everything Happens For a Reason" can fuck themselves royally.
This wasn't the way that my life was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to be that person, or that girl. My brain has been running at a thousand miles an hour for weeks just trying to think of one solution that is plausible. I can't sleep. I'm down to 113 which probably would have made me happy three months ago. At 4am i tricked myself into believing that i found a solution for the 4735735734 time. OK madison, you are to pirate 500 dollars, get a plane ticket to Ohio, go to a teen home, buy fake papers, and then never come back.
you see how insane i've become?
and i know this is beyond some baby prozac or zanies.
i need crazy fucking drugs like opium injections or some shit.
i'm scared because i know that the trigger in my brain that says Oh Dont Do That OWW It Hurts--is broken. in the back of my mind thats always been good because i always knew that if things got really horrible like if i was about to be tortured or raped or something, i would have the guts to off myself. this is scary for me know because i plan to do just that now. and the circumstances aren't in a dungeon but they are just as real.
i always hated people that killed themselves. it was always hard for me to have sympathy for someone that was too weak to handle life and too selfish to think of their family before they did so. remember how i used the word 'hate' in past tense.
maybe now i understand where they are comming from.
and a life with a pickett fence never felt like it was for me, or within my mental capacity but now i see it and i mourn for what my life could have been if i wasnt a modern character of a Shakespeare tragedy. the art, and beauty of the tragedy draws people in like a moth to a flame. mostly, the characters arent overly good or bad people--just normal people that get sucked into events that just fuck them over so hard that you know its got to be destiny. either that, or you were a rat in your former life and your just doomed to be reborn again and again as someone or something that suffers. maybe a toilet seat in the next life of something.
but i really dont believe in that.
i always believed i would go to heaven, or atleast being dead would be nice or ok, or comfortable but i know almost for sure that the causes of my death might lead to really bad outcomes afterward and that does suck though.
i will get back on this subject once i choke down a small meal of ketchup and bread..the only eatable shit they have here. and after i sleep. and maybe after i find a solution when i know that there isnt one so i can come rant about this somemore. or talk about not how much i WANT to die (because i dont, stupid).
let's just say i have some really bad fucking choices at hand.
you can just roll with that one and use your imagination because if im telling you that i dont want to die, but dying is the best to handle my situation, then you must draw conclusions and see how sucky this must be right now.
tomorrow i will hate this post and think its crazy and that i didnt mean it.
thats why im typing this sentence.
hey you, yes..YOU delete this and you'll be retyping all of this by wednesday.
i gaurentee-so dont waste your fucking time.
1. okay (but as messed up as i've always been to some degree) and going on with my daily school business
2. burning time and thinking of a solution to a problem when i know there isn't a solution. hiding a terrible thing that can only lead to my psche destruction and that of my family
3. i will be gone. if i can prove what i only already know in my gut to be true, i will suffocate somewhat peacefully in my garage and hope that maybe god is easier on suicides than everyone says
You see, i have done something so terribly stupid that i honestly deserve to die.
I think back to all the movies i've seen and my morbid interest and i know that i even knew what was comming.
Everyone who has ever said smuggily, "That Everything Happens For a Reason" can fuck themselves royally.
This wasn't the way that my life was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to be that person, or that girl. My brain has been running at a thousand miles an hour for weeks just trying to think of one solution that is plausible. I can't sleep. I'm down to 113 which probably would have made me happy three months ago. At 4am i tricked myself into believing that i found a solution for the 4735735734 time. OK madison, you are to pirate 500 dollars, get a plane ticket to Ohio, go to a teen home, buy fake papers, and then never come back.
you see how insane i've become?
and i know this is beyond some baby prozac or zanies.
i need crazy fucking drugs like opium injections or some shit.
i'm scared because i know that the trigger in my brain that says Oh Dont Do That OWW It Hurts--is broken. in the back of my mind thats always been good because i always knew that if things got really horrible like if i was about to be tortured or raped or something, i would have the guts to off myself. this is scary for me know because i plan to do just that now. and the circumstances aren't in a dungeon but they are just as real.
i always hated people that killed themselves. it was always hard for me to have sympathy for someone that was too weak to handle life and too selfish to think of their family before they did so. remember how i used the word 'hate' in past tense.
maybe now i understand where they are comming from.
and a life with a pickett fence never felt like it was for me, or within my mental capacity but now i see it and i mourn for what my life could have been if i wasnt a modern character of a Shakespeare tragedy. the art, and beauty of the tragedy draws people in like a moth to a flame. mostly, the characters arent overly good or bad people--just normal people that get sucked into events that just fuck them over so hard that you know its got to be destiny. either that, or you were a rat in your former life and your just doomed to be reborn again and again as someone or something that suffers. maybe a toilet seat in the next life of something.
but i really dont believe in that.
i always believed i would go to heaven, or atleast being dead would be nice or ok, or comfortable but i know almost for sure that the causes of my death might lead to really bad outcomes afterward and that does suck though.
i will get back on this subject once i choke down a small meal of ketchup and bread..the only eatable shit they have here. and after i sleep. and maybe after i find a solution when i know that there isnt one so i can come rant about this somemore. or talk about not how much i WANT to die (because i dont, stupid).
let's just say i have some really bad fucking choices at hand.
you can just roll with that one and use your imagination because if im telling you that i dont want to die, but dying is the best to handle my situation, then you must draw conclusions and see how sucky this must be right now.
tomorrow i will hate this post and think its crazy and that i didnt mean it.
thats why im typing this sentence.
hey you, yes..YOU delete this and you'll be retyping all of this by wednesday.
i gaurentee-so dont waste your fucking time.
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