Croatan. <--gotta love it.
Swine flu? <---gotta love it even more.
SCHOOL SUCKS.
there really aren't any other words to describe it.
AND WHY ARE RANDOM PEOPLE TRYING TO BEFRIEND ME?
go away.
Wednesday
Monday
it's over
i had a best friend for a year.
i had someone i loved for a year and two days.
and now i do not.
i can't concentrate on my newly found singleness.
all i can say is why?
today was unbearably difficult.
In spite of everything, I still love him.
i gave im everything, and put him infront of everything and everyone.
even my family.
i lied for him, gave him money, and kept him out of jail.
now i'm hoping that he will get locked up so that there's no chance of me running into him.
i'm sick of crying and i just want to fast forward to months from now when i feel even slightly okay.
he was everything to me.
i had someone i loved for a year and two days.
and now i do not.
i can't concentrate on my newly found singleness.
all i can say is why?
today was unbearably difficult.
In spite of everything, I still love him.
i gave im everything, and put him infront of everything and everyone.
even my family.
i lied for him, gave him money, and kept him out of jail.
now i'm hoping that he will get locked up so that there's no chance of me running into him.
i'm sick of crying and i just want to fast forward to months from now when i feel even slightly okay.
he was everything to me.
Sunday
it's scary
how when school starts i will be:
1. okay (but as messed up as i've always been to some degree) and going on with my daily school business
2. burning time and thinking of a solution to a problem when i know there isn't a solution. hiding a terrible thing that can only lead to my psche destruction and that of my family
3. i will be gone. if i can prove what i only already know in my gut to be true, i will suffocate somewhat peacefully in my garage and hope that maybe god is easier on suicides than everyone says
You see, i have done something so terribly stupid that i honestly deserve to die.
I think back to all the movies i've seen and my morbid interest and i know that i even knew what was comming.
Everyone who has ever said smuggily, "That Everything Happens For a Reason" can fuck themselves royally.
This wasn't the way that my life was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to be that person, or that girl. My brain has been running at a thousand miles an hour for weeks just trying to think of one solution that is plausible. I can't sleep. I'm down to 113 which probably would have made me happy three months ago. At 4am i tricked myself into believing that i found a solution for the 4735735734 time. OK madison, you are to pirate 500 dollars, get a plane ticket to Ohio, go to a teen home, buy fake papers, and then never come back.
you see how insane i've become?
and i know this is beyond some baby prozac or zanies.
i need crazy fucking drugs like opium injections or some shit.
i'm scared because i know that the trigger in my brain that says Oh Dont Do That OWW It Hurts--is broken. in the back of my mind thats always been good because i always knew that if things got really horrible like if i was about to be tortured or raped or something, i would have the guts to off myself. this is scary for me know because i plan to do just that now. and the circumstances aren't in a dungeon but they are just as real.
i always hated people that killed themselves. it was always hard for me to have sympathy for someone that was too weak to handle life and too selfish to think of their family before they did so. remember how i used the word 'hate' in past tense.
maybe now i understand where they are comming from.
and a life with a pickett fence never felt like it was for me, or within my mental capacity but now i see it and i mourn for what my life could have been if i wasnt a modern character of a Shakespeare tragedy. the art, and beauty of the tragedy draws people in like a moth to a flame. mostly, the characters arent overly good or bad people--just normal people that get sucked into events that just fuck them over so hard that you know its got to be destiny. either that, or you were a rat in your former life and your just doomed to be reborn again and again as someone or something that suffers. maybe a toilet seat in the next life of something.
but i really dont believe in that.
i always believed i would go to heaven, or atleast being dead would be nice or ok, or comfortable but i know almost for sure that the causes of my death might lead to really bad outcomes afterward and that does suck though.
i will get back on this subject once i choke down a small meal of ketchup and bread..the only eatable shit they have here. and after i sleep. and maybe after i find a solution when i know that there isnt one so i can come rant about this somemore. or talk about not how much i WANT to die (because i dont, stupid).
let's just say i have some really bad fucking choices at hand.
you can just roll with that one and use your imagination because if im telling you that i dont want to die, but dying is the best to handle my situation, then you must draw conclusions and see how sucky this must be right now.
tomorrow i will hate this post and think its crazy and that i didnt mean it.
thats why im typing this sentence.
hey you, yes..YOU delete this and you'll be retyping all of this by wednesday.
i gaurentee-so dont waste your fucking time.
1. okay (but as messed up as i've always been to some degree) and going on with my daily school business
2. burning time and thinking of a solution to a problem when i know there isn't a solution. hiding a terrible thing that can only lead to my psche destruction and that of my family
3. i will be gone. if i can prove what i only already know in my gut to be true, i will suffocate somewhat peacefully in my garage and hope that maybe god is easier on suicides than everyone says
You see, i have done something so terribly stupid that i honestly deserve to die.
I think back to all the movies i've seen and my morbid interest and i know that i even knew what was comming.
Everyone who has ever said smuggily, "That Everything Happens For a Reason" can fuck themselves royally.
This wasn't the way that my life was supposed to turn out. I wasn't supposed to be that person, or that girl. My brain has been running at a thousand miles an hour for weeks just trying to think of one solution that is plausible. I can't sleep. I'm down to 113 which probably would have made me happy three months ago. At 4am i tricked myself into believing that i found a solution for the 4735735734 time. OK madison, you are to pirate 500 dollars, get a plane ticket to Ohio, go to a teen home, buy fake papers, and then never come back.
you see how insane i've become?
and i know this is beyond some baby prozac or zanies.
i need crazy fucking drugs like opium injections or some shit.
i'm scared because i know that the trigger in my brain that says Oh Dont Do That OWW It Hurts--is broken. in the back of my mind thats always been good because i always knew that if things got really horrible like if i was about to be tortured or raped or something, i would have the guts to off myself. this is scary for me know because i plan to do just that now. and the circumstances aren't in a dungeon but they are just as real.
i always hated people that killed themselves. it was always hard for me to have sympathy for someone that was too weak to handle life and too selfish to think of their family before they did so. remember how i used the word 'hate' in past tense.
maybe now i understand where they are comming from.
and a life with a pickett fence never felt like it was for me, or within my mental capacity but now i see it and i mourn for what my life could have been if i wasnt a modern character of a Shakespeare tragedy. the art, and beauty of the tragedy draws people in like a moth to a flame. mostly, the characters arent overly good or bad people--just normal people that get sucked into events that just fuck them over so hard that you know its got to be destiny. either that, or you were a rat in your former life and your just doomed to be reborn again and again as someone or something that suffers. maybe a toilet seat in the next life of something.
but i really dont believe in that.
i always believed i would go to heaven, or atleast being dead would be nice or ok, or comfortable but i know almost for sure that the causes of my death might lead to really bad outcomes afterward and that does suck though.
i will get back on this subject once i choke down a small meal of ketchup and bread..the only eatable shit they have here. and after i sleep. and maybe after i find a solution when i know that there isnt one so i can come rant about this somemore. or talk about not how much i WANT to die (because i dont, stupid).
let's just say i have some really bad fucking choices at hand.
you can just roll with that one and use your imagination because if im telling you that i dont want to die, but dying is the best to handle my situation, then you must draw conclusions and see how sucky this must be right now.
tomorrow i will hate this post and think its crazy and that i didnt mean it.
thats why im typing this sentence.
hey you, yes..YOU delete this and you'll be retyping all of this by wednesday.
i gaurentee-so dont waste your fucking time.
Thursday
My thoughts on murder
it sucks.
i don't recommend committing it.
it's like shakespeare shit, you can't get the blood of your hands.
metaphorically speaking.
these past few weeks have been the worst of my life.
another week of this and i CANT make it.
i doubt it could get worse from here, not exaggerating.
God, whom i hardly ever pray too (sorry) is hearing a lot of shit from me lately.
Please, just this once,
let me get what i want this time.
i don't recommend committing it.
it's like shakespeare shit, you can't get the blood of your hands.
metaphorically speaking.
these past few weeks have been the worst of my life.
another week of this and i CANT make it.
i doubt it could get worse from here, not exaggerating.
God, whom i hardly ever pray too (sorry) is hearing a lot of shit from me lately.
Please, just this once,
let me get what i want this time.
Friday
Rah-Rah-Rah WHO GIVES A FUCK?
NO ONE.
CARES ABOUT CROATAN CHEERLEADING.
phew. had to get that one off my chest.
i just keep chanting this to myself:
no one cares, you're better off, last year was hell...etc.
but i can't help but feeling that i've made a horrible mistake.
sure, all of my friends swore off the crazyass coach, bitchyass girls, and suckass practices;
I thought this transition would be oh-so-easy.
Not Really.
The grass is always greener on the other side, and ain't that a beotch.
I would have made Varsity.
I would have been happier.
Maybe.
Only time will tell if i made the right decision about for going tryouts this year.
I love cheering, I'm good at it, I actually like watching sports, I love throwing people in the air, and stretching, and jumping, and trying to tumble.
Where else am I valued for my 8 years of dance, and my flexiblility?
That's right--nowhere.
Part of me wants this year to be hell for all of those girls this year. I want them to experience the perpetual frustration that i felt every day at practice. I want to believe that my miserable year will continue over into their season.
Does that make me a horrible person?
I'm avoiding that question.
I'll blame it on human nature for the time being.
(Somehow, that cop out actually works for almost anything)
AHHH.
Why do I feel guilty for quitting, and being jealous of people less talented than I am?
Goal for today:
1. Breathe. Imagine how great your life will be without pompoms.
CARES ABOUT CROATAN CHEERLEADING.
phew. had to get that one off my chest.
i just keep chanting this to myself:
no one cares, you're better off, last year was hell...etc.
but i can't help but feeling that i've made a horrible mistake.
sure, all of my friends swore off the crazyass coach, bitchyass girls, and suckass practices;
I thought this transition would be oh-so-easy.
Not Really.
The grass is always greener on the other side, and ain't that a beotch.
I would have made Varsity.
I would have been happier.
Maybe.
Only time will tell if i made the right decision about for going tryouts this year.
I love cheering, I'm good at it, I actually like watching sports, I love throwing people in the air, and stretching, and jumping, and trying to tumble.
Where else am I valued for my 8 years of dance, and my flexiblility?
That's right--nowhere.
Part of me wants this year to be hell for all of those girls this year. I want them to experience the perpetual frustration that i felt every day at practice. I want to believe that my miserable year will continue over into their season.
Does that make me a horrible person?
I'm avoiding that question.
I'll blame it on human nature for the time being.
(Somehow, that cop out actually works for almost anything)
AHHH.
Why do I feel guilty for quitting, and being jealous of people less talented than I am?
Goal for today:
1. Breathe. Imagine how great your life will be without pompoms.
Saturday
i don't wanna hear you tell me
1. stop exaggerating
2. it's ok
3. you will be fine, you always are
4. suck it up
5. if you loved me then (...)
I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
want to be told these things after this month.
Last night was weird. and awkward. and ridiculous.
and now i have lost all of the pride that i (thought that I had) had.
it's like the Temptations "Aint too Proud to Beg" but much worse.
because i am too proud.
and my life has warped into some twisted movie plot where the main character is completely annoying and they always get whats comming to them. the kind of movie that gets all that hype like "WORLD PREMEIRE" of blahblahblah, and then only like three people actually mean to tune in.
I would think Jesus, but I am breaking the habit.
If he even exsists, then he would be tired of my bitchin by now.
SO
I scream FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK like a person that has forgotten to take their turrets meds.
I scream a lot now. at people. at places. at thoughts. and at inanimate objects.
i'm an angry person now.
Okayness: Madison::
Terrorism: Peace
i can
hear my heart
beat low and in
the distance. all knowing,
but knowing nothing.the sound repetitious but offbeat
I know its there-- i can feel iti see a peace, one intangible to mea peace that only my soul can imagine.
but this peace is not mine. this peace off in a
distance, it belongs to someone else. my soul
cannot bear peace within. there are too many thoughtsand yearnings. things that cannot not be. things that should not be
—but my soul refuses to drop them, repent and turn from its misfortunes.i tell me to keep going despite the lack
of hopeand lack
of backing
and lack
of truststriving for the impossible
i'm hungry, but i can't eat. I’m thirsty, but I won’t drink. To admit to failure is to be weak.
i'm hungry, but i can't eat. I’m thirsty, but I won’t drink. To admit to failure is to be weak.
i'm hungry, but i can't eat. I’m thirsty, but I won’t drink. To admit to failure is to be weak.
Despair
Hopelessness
Stubbornness
And
Anger
Breed
Dissapointment
2. it's ok
3. you will be fine, you always are
4. suck it up
5. if you loved me then (...)
I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
want to be told these things after this month.
Last night was weird. and awkward. and ridiculous.
and now i have lost all of the pride that i (thought that I had) had.
it's like the Temptations "Aint too Proud to Beg" but much worse.
because i am too proud.
and my life has warped into some twisted movie plot where the main character is completely annoying and they always get whats comming to them. the kind of movie that gets all that hype like "WORLD PREMEIRE" of blahblahblah, and then only like three people actually mean to tune in.
I would think Jesus, but I am breaking the habit.
If he even exsists, then he would be tired of my bitchin by now.
SO
I scream FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK like a person that has forgotten to take their turrets meds.
I scream a lot now. at people. at places. at thoughts. and at inanimate objects.
i'm an angry person now.
Okayness: Madison::
Terrorism: Peace
i can
hear my heart
beat low and in
the distance. all knowing,
but knowing nothing.the sound repetitious but offbeat
I know its there-- i can feel iti see a peace, one intangible to mea peace that only my soul can imagine.
but this peace is not mine. this peace off in a
distance, it belongs to someone else. my soul
cannot bear peace within. there are too many thoughtsand yearnings. things that cannot not be. things that should not be
—but my soul refuses to drop them, repent and turn from its misfortunes.i tell me to keep going despite the lack
of hopeand lack
of backing
and lack
of truststriving for the impossible
i'm hungry, but i can't eat. I’m thirsty, but I won’t drink. To admit to failure is to be weak.
i'm hungry, but i can't eat. I’m thirsty, but I won’t drink. To admit to failure is to be weak.
i'm hungry, but i can't eat. I’m thirsty, but I won’t drink. To admit to failure is to be weak.
Despair
Hopelessness
Stubbornness
And
Anger
Breed
Dissapointment
Sunday
whoo
play practice suckssssssssssssssss.
i try to have a positive, but there is only so much a girl can put up with before she flips her shit.
(like last thursday)
i basically just freaked out.
and although things arent going smoothy at all--i still have high hopes for a good show.
i want to convince andrew to help (;
meanwhile, my life seems a lot less dark.
i mean i still feel helpless/depressed/sucidal,
but not as often.
hip hip hor-fucking-ray !
i hate that a tonnnnnnnn of stuff is due.
and i miss a certain boy that i never get to see :/
[which is partly the reason for this depression]
i miss him even when i'm with him.
cause' i know that it will probably be days before i see him again.
we actually had a rare fight on friday.
i hate people that always get involved in my shitttttttttttt.
bahhh, i dont know.
i need to work on my language project.
im procrastinating.
;{
miss you cassidy by the way
i try to have a positive, but there is only so much a girl can put up with before she flips her shit.
(like last thursday)
i basically just freaked out.
and although things arent going smoothy at all--i still have high hopes for a good show.
i want to convince andrew to help (;
meanwhile, my life seems a lot less dark.
i mean i still feel helpless/depressed/sucidal,
but not as often.
hip hip hor-fucking-ray !
i hate that a tonnnnnnnn of stuff is due.
and i miss a certain boy that i never get to see :/
[which is partly the reason for this depression]
i miss him even when i'm with him.
cause' i know that it will probably be days before i see him again.
we actually had a rare fight on friday.
i hate people that always get involved in my shitttttttttttt.
bahhh, i dont know.
i need to work on my language project.
im procrastinating.
;{
miss you cassidy by the way
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