Six months.
Half a year.
The thought of this is mindboggling.
Half of me is happily surprised that it's been that long--we still have so many things to learn about oneanother. The other half of me can't believe that it's only been half a year; I hope for many more months to follow. I know him better than myself. I don't allow myself to imagine my life without his intertwined. Unimaginable can't cover it.
I like the fact that he is mine. I like how selfish I am about telling other people. I don't want them to understand us, I want them to say "Wait... You have a boyfriend"?
I have my very own drug that is essential for my sanity, my one person I can always count on, my go-to guy. (In more ways than one) Besides..
I don't want them in my business creating drama anyway: maybe that's why we have lasted this long.
Regardless of these reasons, my blog felt empty without him.
I'm so convinced that no one reads this that I have no reason to be jealous if any person were to stumble over this.
Isn't he adorable?
[DON'T ANSWER THAT, EVEN TO YOURSELF]
he is amazingly gorgeous although he looks pretty devilish >;D
Wednesday
innocence
I hate how people use the phrase 'losing your virginity',
as if it was a set of car keys that you misplaced on the counter or something.
kind of like it was something that was stolen by a stalking predator of the night (or something to that effect)
It's still hard for me to get my head around the fact that 13 year old girls aren't having sex, they're "fucking"
[And you don't want to get me started on that despicable terminology. I will scream: I hate that word, used in that contex, so fucking much.
You don't have to be all lame, and corny, and call it Making Tender Love, or whatever, but you CANNOT refer to it as that word.
Just the technical term works just as effciently.]
In my grade, it's normal, and probably to assume that if a couple has been dating for more than about four months, they are having sex. Simple as that.
I can't understand the concept of any pleasure comming from sex without any love.
I'm not here to lecture--
honestly, I'm just realllllllllllllllllly confused about my ethics here.
my morals are so screwed.
Possibly literally.
as if it was a set of car keys that you misplaced on the counter or something.
kind of like it was something that was stolen by a stalking predator of the night (or something to that effect)
It's still hard for me to get my head around the fact that 13 year old girls aren't having sex, they're "fucking"
[And you don't want to get me started on that despicable terminology. I will scream: I hate that word, used in that contex, so fucking much.
You don't have to be all lame, and corny, and call it Making Tender Love, or whatever, but you CANNOT refer to it as that word.
Just the technical term works just as effciently.]
In my grade, it's normal, and probably to assume that if a couple has been dating for more than about four months, they are having sex. Simple as that.
I can't understand the concept of any pleasure comming from sex without any love.
I'm not here to lecture--
honestly, I'm just realllllllllllllllllly confused about my ethics here.
my morals are so screwed.
Possibly literally.
Here Is Gone..
Meaning North Carolina.
My family and I will shortly be departing my humble abode to ride in a minivan for an excruciatingly long trip. A loooong trip. Very long. All the way down to Georgia. Right now, the bias really can't be summed up, for I am still unbearably angry about the whole ordeal. The bright side is that I actually have a very minuscule amount of time to do my work. Which is good. I don't want to be reminded of all the things that I should be doing.
To make things even better: Andrew's family may be moving. They are getting evicted. Notice how I supplied Andrew's family. He IS NOT moving. No. I will hide him, I will chain myself to his body, I will sell illegal drugs and make enough money to fly him down her every weekend.
I will do anything.
I am a determined girl, and I have my heart set on this.
He has to stay.
There is no other option.
Survival would be a foreign concept without him.
My family and I will shortly be departing my humble abode to ride in a minivan for an excruciatingly long trip. A loooong trip. Very long. All the way down to Georgia. Right now, the bias really can't be summed up, for I am still unbearably angry about the whole ordeal. The bright side is that I actually have a very minuscule amount of time to do my work. Which is good. I don't want to be reminded of all the things that I should be doing.
To make things even better: Andrew's family may be moving. They are getting evicted. Notice how I supplied Andrew's family. He IS NOT moving. No. I will hide him, I will chain myself to his body, I will sell illegal drugs and make enough money to fly him down her every weekend.
I will do anything.
I am a determined girl, and I have my heart set on this.
He has to stay.
There is no other option.
Survival would be a foreign concept without him.
Tuesday
Humor
-Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
*Agnes Repplier
I had nothing insightful to say. So I thought I might give others the chance. Plus, I am too dead about my holiday plans to write something funny, worthwhile, or inspiring. That's all folks.
*Agnes Repplier
I had nothing insightful to say. So I thought I might give others the chance. Plus, I am too dead about my holiday plans to write something funny, worthwhile, or inspiring. That's all folks.
Monday
I'm so damn rebellious..
Ooh, you better be on the lookout world cause I'm a CRAZY teen, and you don't know what I'm capable of...I'm so rebellious. I'm a renegade. I got called out by 'the man' today, my supposed "authority"...ooh I showed them..except I am totally bluffing right now.
Let me break it down for you.
I.Don't.Get.In.Trouble.
I am smart enough to (usually) get away with whatever small shenanigans that i want to pull.
Teachers and me go well together. I am a manipulator. [NOT a teacher's pet, mind you]
I blend at school. I stay out of the way. "Getting in trouble" is very insignificant to me, at least, until I disappoint one of my favorite teachers..but I'll get to that.
Let me lay down my history of misbehavior's first.
(These are all that I can recall, and believe me, I would remember even the smallest reprimand)
2ND grade:
My best friend Taylor and I go with our class to get water by the bathrooms while our teachers are furtherly occupied. We were told not to make a peep because the older, and scarier fifth graders were taking the very essential, difficult, and dreaded E.O.G *cue scary music*
Let's just say that our class was echoing off the surrounding hallways. A not-so-deaf roar.
When we got back to class, Mrs.Olmstead gravely told us that if we were talking, than we had better tell the truth and movie our star (magnets that began at the top of the board and slowing descended each time one of us was naughty) to the verrrrrrrry bottom of the board.
No one moved.
Feeling valiant, Taylor and I were the only ones to admit we were talking. We moved our stars with dignity. However, we both got one dreaded "check" each and had to take it home to get signed. I cried that night as my parents lectured me on following directions.
That was my first mishap with this so-called "Man".
4th grade:
I was at the lunch table with my ohsocool clique. Matthew, Hunter, Kourtney, Andrea, and I were chilling at our reserved table. Kyle Saddler, despite all of our hints, forced himself upon us. Mad that we wouldn't talk to him, he reacted by trying to start a food fight with me, and flicking corn in my hair. Upon that attack, he goaded me into loading up my own fork, although I had no intention of flinging the substance upon him. He hit my hand. I torpedoed corn at him. Then I apologized profusely. He was sweet, and all was well.
He ratted me out as soon as we got to class, and my favorite elementary teacher made me sign "the log" *bum bum bummmmm*
I cried about that too, and still dislike the boy immensely.
8th grade:
Every day I would give my boyfriend a peck on the cheek. We were so star crossed! Oh how I waited each day to hide in the corner of the gym exit to push my lips against his for about .03 seconds. I didn't like him at all. I just wanted a boyfriend to consider myself "normal". (This still hasn't happened.) Anyway, on the 50th or so day of doing this, we were ratted out, and we got caught by my favorite teacher that I ever had in Middle School. Noticing a pattern? Anyway, the whole locker room found out. And Mrs.Kelly, the horrendous key-boarding teacher. She wasn't even alive when computers were invented, and she believed that a girl shouldn't kiss until after she wed. So you can imagine what she did. All hell broke loose, and she fired off her alarm. I had cheer leading afterwards, so of course my retarded cheer leading coach gave me a "demerit" for this behavior, and gave the entire team an embarrassing lecture while staring me down. She also told my science teacher, the ex-cheer leading coach, and a woman that had formerly adored me.
I was pissed beyond all reason. Lucky Ms.----- wasn't made aware. My life was hell enough that year.
Anyway, getting to the point, today I had a renegade moment..*key mission impossible music*
And was confronted by my favorite suede-wearing, wannabe-sardonic, idiotic principle. I was sitting at lunch with the regular crew. (My favorite member was missing this past week though :/ Stupid cruise.) But because of my ridiculous amounts of drama/stress/work I had this weekend, I never got around to doing my world history homework. Not that I even remembered the book anyway, but still. I copied my friends homework. *GASP*
Not a huge deal, seeing as everyone on my side of the room cheats on EVERY test and quiz in that class. Life is so ironic, and unfair. So of course I get caught by my favorite staff member [which I will delve into in a later post] and he turned in my workbook to that teacher. Which sucked. I wanted to tell her for myself and apologize. I really have worked so hard in that class compared to everyone else, and now she thinks I'm a slacker. Oh fucking well. I only got lunch detention, but I don't care about that. She pulled the whole guilt trip on me, and it truly worked. I only hope to redeem myself with my amazingly kick-ass seminar in two weeks.
Let me break it down for you.
I.Don't.Get.In.Trouble.
I am smart enough to (usually) get away with whatever small shenanigans that i want to pull.
Teachers and me go well together. I am a manipulator. [NOT a teacher's pet, mind you]
I blend at school. I stay out of the way. "Getting in trouble" is very insignificant to me, at least, until I disappoint one of my favorite teachers..but I'll get to that.
Let me lay down my history of misbehavior's first.
(These are all that I can recall, and believe me, I would remember even the smallest reprimand)
2ND grade:
My best friend Taylor and I go with our class to get water by the bathrooms while our teachers are furtherly occupied. We were told not to make a peep because the older, and scarier fifth graders were taking the very essential, difficult, and dreaded E.O.G *cue scary music*
Let's just say that our class was echoing off the surrounding hallways. A not-so-deaf roar.
When we got back to class, Mrs.Olmstead gravely told us that if we were talking, than we had better tell the truth and movie our star (magnets that began at the top of the board and slowing descended each time one of us was naughty) to the verrrrrrrry bottom of the board.
No one moved.
Feeling valiant, Taylor and I were the only ones to admit we were talking. We moved our stars with dignity. However, we both got one dreaded "check" each and had to take it home to get signed. I cried that night as my parents lectured me on following directions.
That was my first mishap with this so-called "Man".
4th grade:
I was at the lunch table with my ohsocool clique. Matthew, Hunter, Kourtney, Andrea, and I were chilling at our reserved table. Kyle Saddler, despite all of our hints, forced himself upon us. Mad that we wouldn't talk to him, he reacted by trying to start a food fight with me, and flicking corn in my hair. Upon that attack, he goaded me into loading up my own fork, although I had no intention of flinging the substance upon him. He hit my hand. I torpedoed corn at him. Then I apologized profusely. He was sweet, and all was well.
He ratted me out as soon as we got to class, and my favorite elementary teacher made me sign "the log" *bum bum bummmmm*
I cried about that too, and still dislike the boy immensely.
8th grade:
Every day I would give my boyfriend a peck on the cheek. We were so star crossed! Oh how I waited each day to hide in the corner of the gym exit to push my lips against his for about .03 seconds. I didn't like him at all. I just wanted a boyfriend to consider myself "normal". (This still hasn't happened.) Anyway, on the 50th or so day of doing this, we were ratted out, and we got caught by my favorite teacher that I ever had in Middle School. Noticing a pattern? Anyway, the whole locker room found out. And Mrs.Kelly, the horrendous key-boarding teacher. She wasn't even alive when computers were invented, and she believed that a girl shouldn't kiss until after she wed. So you can imagine what she did. All hell broke loose, and she fired off her alarm. I had cheer leading afterwards, so of course my retarded cheer leading coach gave me a "demerit" for this behavior, and gave the entire team an embarrassing lecture while staring me down. She also told my science teacher, the ex-cheer leading coach, and a woman that had formerly adored me.
I was pissed beyond all reason. Lucky Ms.----- wasn't made aware. My life was hell enough that year.
Anyway, getting to the point, today I had a renegade moment..*key mission impossible music*
And was confronted by my favorite suede-wearing, wannabe-sardonic, idiotic principle. I was sitting at lunch with the regular crew. (My favorite member was missing this past week though :/ Stupid cruise.) But because of my ridiculous amounts of drama/stress/work I had this weekend, I never got around to doing my world history homework. Not that I even remembered the book anyway, but still. I copied my friends homework. *GASP*
Not a huge deal, seeing as everyone on my side of the room cheats on EVERY test and quiz in that class. Life is so ironic, and unfair. So of course I get caught by my favorite staff member [which I will delve into in a later post] and he turned in my workbook to that teacher. Which sucked. I wanted to tell her for myself and apologize. I really have worked so hard in that class compared to everyone else, and now she thinks I'm a slacker. Oh fucking well. I only got lunch detention, but I don't care about that. She pulled the whole guilt trip on me, and it truly worked. I only hope to redeem myself with my amazingly kick-ass seminar in two weeks.
Sunday
Relentless
Maybe if i just keep on writing, writing, writing, writing
then i can find some peace of mind.
my thoughts seem too scattered.
maybe they once made sense at one point of time.
i can't stop this flow of words
its incessent and excruciating
i dont want to see these angry words scrawled on paper
or on my hands
or on desks
or on walls.
i want everything that i've ever thought to be known, and erased, and gone.
ever unpure thought pawned.
somebody take all this.
i don't know what to do with it.
is it possible to take this much shit?
then i can find some peace of mind.
my thoughts seem too scattered.
maybe they once made sense at one point of time.
i can't stop this flow of words
its incessent and excruciating
i dont want to see these angry words scrawled on paper
or on my hands
or on desks
or on walls.
i want everything that i've ever thought to be known, and erased, and gone.
ever unpure thought pawned.
somebody take all this.
i don't know what to do with it.
is it possible to take this much shit?
Saturday
Confusement
Just some damn good questions. That's all i do seem to have at my disposal these days. I know that adolescence is supposed to be this huge, awkward 'growing' phase, but seriously, no one warned me for this bullshit. It's like hey, you like your life? Well eff you, cause that's gonna change for NO REASON. Wait! It is different. Now we all go to a bigger, gayer school that has even more idiotic people. Why does every misled youth (basically every youth), has this need to conform? Not that I haven't. It's impossible not to change but why does it have to be so polar opposite? It is too much to ask that a person just stay humane? It seems as if everyone has been captured by evil scientists, and their brains got all wishy-washy, damaged beyond repair. I walk down the hallway and all i see is disappointment. Which proves my earlier post--it's all that you can count on. Which seems jaded. And cynical. But I go into homeroom and just accept without any denial or backlash that, yeah, i guess that girl that I've known since third grade is a huge slut. Or, yeah, my best friend since forever? Yeah, she likes to sit around and mull around in disgusting, insipid, pot smoke. Awesome, wake and bake ya'll!!! So cool. I just don't get it. My head can't wrap itself around the whole concept. I guess my mood so far this year has been pissed off, depressed, and disappointed. Pissed off: school, the ridiculous amounts of work, and redundant lessons. Depressed: everything I know has either changed completely, or left me in the stupid county to rot. Disappointed: no one has held on to their sanity, reality, or just plain un-common sense.
Plus, there is the whole love thing. Which innumerable would dispute to the death. Impossible to love this young? Let it not be forgotten that in the entire history of humans, we have always mated very young. This has only changed in the last century or so. I don't see how it's possible for adults just to disregard a person's feelings because of age. Sure, I know that a lot of teenager profess love, and then break up in two days but still..i believe that it's possible. And even probable. That's just another thing to be confused about. Although, I'm not afraid to admit anymore that I love him more than anything. I really, truly do. The thought of marriage used to seem pointless and just..scary..but I can't see myself minding if I woke up to him every morning. I don't feel chained down; I feel more alive, and free than ever. This can't be mere infatuation. It's love.
Plus, there is the whole love thing. Which innumerable would dispute to the death. Impossible to love this young? Let it not be forgotten that in the entire history of humans, we have always mated very young. This has only changed in the last century or so. I don't see how it's possible for adults just to disregard a person's feelings because of age. Sure, I know that a lot of teenager profess love, and then break up in two days but still..i believe that it's possible. And even probable. That's just another thing to be confused about. Although, I'm not afraid to admit anymore that I love him more than anything. I really, truly do. The thought of marriage used to seem pointless and just..scary..but I can't see myself minding if I woke up to him every morning. I don't feel chained down; I feel more alive, and free than ever. This can't be mere infatuation. It's love.
Thursday
Realizations.
Ahhhh, the tangents! (Oh, Mr.Weist..)
I wish I never met you, and got hooked on your ranting lists and speeches.
Unfortunatelym it appears that is so.
So here's so ridiculously obvious statements that my idiot brain just now accepted.
[These are tumultuous times to be a teenager..I swear]
1. I am many things, but 'normal' and 'chill' are not one of them
2. Math serves no higher purpose than to tip waiters, balance checkbooks, and create buildings.
3. Puppy love is 10x worse than the normal kind.
4. Boys are easier to get along with than girls. But they're really stupid.
5. High school seniority is overrated, and completely blown out of proportion
6. Mckenzie was right about friends.
7. Cheerleading without real competition IS not a real sport.
8. Sins don't wash down the drain.
9. Neither does the really annoying semi-permanent hair color..
10. Frustrations are common in life--the only thing you can count on.
11. They usually come on two legs.
12. Having third lunch is not an advantage.
13. Trying to keep your old buddies may not be healthy.
14. Everyone lives their own bubble of denial. In many shapes and forms.
15. Challenges hardly make anyone rise to the occasion.
16. Free-write journals, in fact, do not make writing more "fluid".
17. Biggest disapointment= _ _ _ _ _ _ _
18. Having a "fuck you" attitude is envigorating. Until you turn into a cynic.
19. I will never be like my sisters.
*just some thoughts.
I wish I never met you, and got hooked on your ranting lists and speeches.
Unfortunatelym it appears that is so.
So here's so ridiculously obvious statements that my idiot brain just now accepted.
[These are tumultuous times to be a teenager..I swear]
1. I am many things, but 'normal' and 'chill' are not one of them
2. Math serves no higher purpose than to tip waiters, balance checkbooks, and create buildings.
3. Puppy love is 10x worse than the normal kind.
4. Boys are easier to get along with than girls. But they're really stupid.
5. High school seniority is overrated, and completely blown out of proportion
6. Mckenzie was right about friends.
7. Cheerleading without real competition IS not a real sport.
8. Sins don't wash down the drain.
9. Neither does the really annoying semi-permanent hair color..
10. Frustrations are common in life--the only thing you can count on.
11. They usually come on two legs.
12. Having third lunch is not an advantage.
13. Trying to keep your old buddies may not be healthy.
14. Everyone lives their own bubble of denial. In many shapes and forms.
15. Challenges hardly make anyone rise to the occasion.
16. Free-write journals, in fact, do not make writing more "fluid".
17. Biggest disapointment= _ _ _ _ _ _ _
18. Having a "fuck you" attitude is envigorating. Until you turn into a cynic.
19. I will never be like my sisters.
*just some thoughts.
Saturday
It was only Tuesday...
And yet, I could tell it would be one of those weeks.
One of those never-ending, redundant series of days that continued on their path of infinite suckiness.
Honestly, I have been to depressed to blog.
And let me let you know--that is hella depressed.
You know that one morning out of a million when all you want to do is curl under your blankets and sleep forever? Well, I've had that same morning since Tuesday. I've had so much material to blog about though! I find out that when I'm really sad, or pissed, or downright ornery...my greatest contributions to prose are made :)
Tuesday
Moral-Shmorals..
So people these days have a warped sense of morality.
I mean, you refuse to make out with a guy because he smokes, but you're perfectly okay with gettin' with a guy that already has a girlfriend?
I don't know who to blame for this. In the 60's, only the town tramp would do that. And now, it's a normal teen/adult/anybody deal.
Last night I had a dream that humanity was ending.
And that all that was left on planet earth was a bowl of corrupted rice.
(I don't even think that rice can go bad...unless, of course, it's burnt?)
But anyway. Could this be relevent?
If an alien specics came through and conquered our universe,
what would their unbiased opinion of us be?
The way that we treat one another,
it's hard to imagine that we would be more than a burnt bowl of rice [to them].
Is this what we've amounted to?
This collective 'we' that is so hypocritical that we couldn't even be pitiable to aliens?
We deserve to be invaded.
I mean, you refuse to make out with a guy because he smokes, but you're perfectly okay with gettin' with a guy that already has a girlfriend?
I don't know who to blame for this. In the 60's, only the town tramp would do that. And now, it's a normal teen/adult/anybody deal.
Last night I had a dream that humanity was ending.
And that all that was left on planet earth was a bowl of corrupted rice.
(I don't even think that rice can go bad...unless, of course, it's burnt?)
But anyway. Could this be relevent?
If an alien specics came through and conquered our universe,
what would their unbiased opinion of us be?
The way that we treat one another,
it's hard to imagine that we would be more than a burnt bowl of rice [to them].
Is this what we've amounted to?
This collective 'we' that is so hypocritical that we couldn't even be pitiable to aliens?
We deserve to be invaded.
Monday
Pointless First Post
I don't like to talk about myself.
Its just a me thing.
I want to skip past the all the boring blah, blah, blahs of my life,
and go straight toward all of my blog-rants.
I got this idea to blog from a friend, and maybe this will help me control my anger.
If you are reading this now, you aren't even on my mind.
This is for me now.
One thing in my life for me.
Read on, if you'd like.
But I doubt you'll find anything here worth your while.
Its just a me thing.
I want to skip past the all the boring blah, blah, blahs of my life,
and go straight toward all of my blog-rants.
I got this idea to blog from a friend, and maybe this will help me control my anger.
If you are reading this now, you aren't even on my mind.
This is for me now.
One thing in my life for me.
Read on, if you'd like.
But I doubt you'll find anything here worth your while.
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