Cheerleading

Is almost over, thank gosh.

Two more games, and never again will I be a Croatan cheerleader.
The joy of not carrying that title--it is unimagineable to me at this point, but in less than a week, it will be a reality.

Meanwhile, I'm being kept on the verge of breaking by the general bias of my day to day life.
I wonder if I will make it out of this alive.
This isn't movie shit, this is honest-to-god I kind of wouldn't mind sleeping for a loooong while, kind of shit. Nothing would be more appealing than to fall asleep with andrew next to me, and never wake up.

As the weeks turn in to months, I don't see any improvement. I just keep waiting for the old me to come back. The pre-chessiebetrayal me. The pre-depressedme. The pre-jadedme.
It's sinking in that this is my life, and it's not changing for anything. I will force myself up every morning, I will sit in class all day without speaking a word, I will go to cheerleading and withstand the bitching, and then I will go home and do my work. Then miss andrew. And then fall asleep crying because that is just how pitable and self-loathing I truly am.

The mood doesn't imporve the next day. I just cry because I am weak. I just cry because I am angry as hell that I can't just be happy. Most of all, I let loose because I know that it is the only helpful thing that I do all day. For a couple minutes after it happens, I feel raw, and somewhat ready to do it alllllllllll over again.

It's groundhog day from hell, and it never fucking ends.
I know that every teen loves to think that they are special and unique in their angst and misery, but honestly, I don't know if this is normal.
I'm not fucking emo, and I don't want to die or anything.
I just want to give up. The domino effect is waiting in the wings. One more bad thing happens and BAM; they all tumble down.

Something bad is going to happen.
I feel it.