WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
Whoever invented turnitin.com should be identified, located, and then shot in the temporal lobe.
Maybe I should wiki him.
Ooh tempting.
Especially since I have homework due on a Sunday night.
I don't care how important the assignment is, that is just the most ridiculous thing ever.
Luckily, things have gotten just slightly better from my last post.
I'm just learning to deal with everything--it isn't getting better,
and my circumstances are not going to change,
so there is no point in bitchin' about my situation.
even though that is kinda-sorta (definitely) the entire purpose of this blog.
Well, Monday is my birthday, but I will be lucky if my parents are even back in time to celebrate. Of course, they are out of the country. Greatt timing as usual parental units. I applaud you.
I just want to be with Andrew, I think.
I'm so screwed over this weekend with Chessie/her family, I don't even want to think about it, nonetheless, be confronted by her at school on Monday.
Happy Birthday to me: Former best friend driving that knife deeper into my back.
Yipee Ki Yay.
The only good news is that my parents were never consulted about this weekend. Not that I truly did anything, but it is just easier that they stay verrrry far out of the andrew-portion of my life.
Speaking of, I had a pretty good five hours today when I really did feel content. I got to cuddle on the hammock with a gorgeous boy that I love dearly. And for once, things felt okay in the universe for a couple of hours; despite the fact that my grandmother was being a complete stalker/creeper by FREAKING the fuck out every time i got out of sight.
She is ridiculous.
This whole week I've tried my best to stay out her way. She is just too sheltered by everything, and so "rich old lady-like". I have held back so many sarcastic and generally nasty comments toward her this past week, I've been choking on them in my sleep.
Speaking of, Jesus Christ, I had the weirdest dream last night. I don't remember exactly what the circumstances were, but there was this attic, and my dad, McKenzie, and I were exploring. My dad found this rare like Anastasia necklace, and made me like swear to hide it from McKenzie and protect it with my life. ahahha
And then i was on the couch with my parents, and I take out this giant 80s laptop and start like bragging about how mine works better without all of the technological advances and glitches.
Weiiiiird shit.
Anyway, I promised that I would go shopping with my Grandma on Sunday (tomorrow) at the beginning of the week, just so she would leave me alone.
Now, I realize I am an idiot, because I have to go through with it now!
Damn.
Well, I really wanna finish my lit letter tonight that way I just have math homework tomorrow.
I trudged through over half of Sense and Sensibility and I feel so brain dead.
Meanwhile, I am still worried about Nana. Haven't seen her in forever.
She finally switched back to Crystal Bluffs after a three day hospital stay..
which was after her bloody, heart-wrenching fall last Monday.
I still am so guilty about that no matter what anyone says.
It was completely my fault.
I've tried to get that image out of my head all week--the pools of dark red, almost black blood spilled on the floor, door, and cabinets--her bloodied face, fingernails, and soaked clothes. Luckily, her head wound clotted. If she had been taking blood thinners than she would have bled right out on the bathroom floor. She would have died in pain, all alone, and within 50 ft. of my sleeping body.
On my watch.
I shudder just thinking about it.
I also shudder about my up coming doctor appointments.
AAH! my ovaries and uterus. damn them :/
My parents should be home soon and I'm looking forward to my usual abnormal normalcy.
This post seems really random, and strung together, but just..whatever.
Haven't blogged in a while.
Don't you know my world's falling apart?
Dude, get with it.
(Whatever exactly it is)
Saturday
Monday
he doesnt
even know.
how much it hurts.
how much it kills me that he can't be accept--
i don't give up.
i'm a fighter.
i want to be challenged,
i want to be knocked down,
i want to get my ass kicked...
so that next time i return the favor 10x stronger.
i have never cried so much in my life,
but the other relief is much worse,
and a lot more noticeable.
plus, it's unglier than my whole face sopping wet with salt water.
the second he: the just as important he:
of course, the friend always lets you down.
as they are ultimately destined to do.
why do i always fool myself into believeing that the next one is different?
I can trust this one.
I can depend on him.
He will be there when I need him.
He doesn't understand, but he still cares.
Nope.
Everyone's life is tragic.
Everyone has their own little lifetime story.
{Mine much less melodramatic than others}
Why the fuck do I trick my self into thinking that i'm special,
and need special guidence for my problems?
Oh, oh yeah.
It's because i'm really genuinely going crazy.
There's that and the fact that I picked up andrew's nasty habit.
:/
Help.
how much it hurts.
how much it kills me that he can't be accept--
i don't give up.
i'm a fighter.
i want to be challenged,
i want to be knocked down,
i want to get my ass kicked...
so that next time i return the favor 10x stronger.
i have never cried so much in my life,
but the other relief is much worse,
and a lot more noticeable.
plus, it's unglier than my whole face sopping wet with salt water.
the second he: the just as important he:
of course, the friend always lets you down.
as they are ultimately destined to do.
why do i always fool myself into believeing that the next one is different?
I can trust this one.
I can depend on him.
He will be there when I need him.
He doesn't understand, but he still cares.
Nope.
Everyone's life is tragic.
Everyone has their own little lifetime story.
{Mine much less melodramatic than others}
Why the fuck do I trick my self into thinking that i'm special,
and need special guidence for my problems?
Oh, oh yeah.
It's because i'm really genuinely going crazy.
There's that and the fact that I picked up andrew's nasty habit.
:/
Help.
Sunday
Cheerleading
Is almost over, thank gosh.
Two more games, and never again will I be a Croatan cheerleader.
The joy of not carrying that title--it is unimagineable to me at this point, but in less than a week, it will be a reality.
Meanwhile, I'm being kept on the verge of breaking by the general bias of my day to day life.
I wonder if I will make it out of this alive.
This isn't movie shit, this is honest-to-god I kind of wouldn't mind sleeping for a loooong while, kind of shit. Nothing would be more appealing than to fall asleep with andrew next to me, and never wake up.
As the weeks turn in to months, I don't see any improvement. I just keep waiting for the old me to come back. The pre-chessiebetrayal me. The pre-depressedme. The pre-jadedme.
It's sinking in that this is my life, and it's not changing for anything. I will force myself up every morning, I will sit in class all day without speaking a word, I will go to cheerleading and withstand the bitching, and then I will go home and do my work. Then miss andrew. And then fall asleep crying because that is just how pitable and self-loathing I truly am.
The mood doesn't imporve the next day. I just cry because I am weak. I just cry because I am angry as hell that I can't just be happy. Most of all, I let loose because I know that it is the only helpful thing that I do all day. For a couple minutes after it happens, I feel raw, and somewhat ready to do it alllllllllll over again.
It's groundhog day from hell, and it never fucking ends.
I know that every teen loves to think that they are special and unique in their angst and misery, but honestly, I don't know if this is normal.
I'm not fucking emo, and I don't want to die or anything.
I just want to give up. The domino effect is waiting in the wings. One more bad thing happens and BAM; they all tumble down.
Something bad is going to happen.
I feel it.
Two more games, and never again will I be a Croatan cheerleader.
The joy of not carrying that title--it is unimagineable to me at this point, but in less than a week, it will be a reality.
Meanwhile, I'm being kept on the verge of breaking by the general bias of my day to day life.
I wonder if I will make it out of this alive.
This isn't movie shit, this is honest-to-god I kind of wouldn't mind sleeping for a loooong while, kind of shit. Nothing would be more appealing than to fall asleep with andrew next to me, and never wake up.
As the weeks turn in to months, I don't see any improvement. I just keep waiting for the old me to come back. The pre-chessiebetrayal me. The pre-depressedme. The pre-jadedme.
It's sinking in that this is my life, and it's not changing for anything. I will force myself up every morning, I will sit in class all day without speaking a word, I will go to cheerleading and withstand the bitching, and then I will go home and do my work. Then miss andrew. And then fall asleep crying because that is just how pitable and self-loathing I truly am.
The mood doesn't imporve the next day. I just cry because I am weak. I just cry because I am angry as hell that I can't just be happy. Most of all, I let loose because I know that it is the only helpful thing that I do all day. For a couple minutes after it happens, I feel raw, and somewhat ready to do it alllllllllll over again.
It's groundhog day from hell, and it never fucking ends.
I know that every teen loves to think that they are special and unique in their angst and misery, but honestly, I don't know if this is normal.
I'm not fucking emo, and I don't want to die or anything.
I just want to give up. The domino effect is waiting in the wings. One more bad thing happens and BAM; they all tumble down.
Something bad is going to happen.
I feel it.
February 1st
I hate time.
Truly, it's annoying.
So, christmas passed.
Who fucking cares?
It was one morning of gifts, some good, some bad.
Some fake and forced cheeriness,
and tonnnnnnnns of crying, and a million hours of silence.
Since then, it has gone significantly down hill.
So january sucked even more.
Finished the old class exams--hard, redundant shit.
Next, new suckass classes. Even worse than the first set if that is even possible.
Now I have cheerhellschoolhellhomehellboyfriendhellfriendhell.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Well, that was january folks(;
*WOW. I'm really good at bitchin'
----> I consider it a talent.
Truly, it's annoying.
So, christmas passed.
Who fucking cares?
It was one morning of gifts, some good, some bad.
Some fake and forced cheeriness,
and tonnnnnnnns of crying, and a million hours of silence.
Since then, it has gone significantly down hill.
So january sucked even more.
Finished the old class exams--hard, redundant shit.
Next, new suckass classes. Even worse than the first set if that is even possible.
Now I have cheerhellschoolhellhomehellboyfriendhellfriendhell.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Well, that was january folks(;
*WOW. I'm really good at bitchin'
----> I consider it a talent.
Wednesday
anniversary
Six months.
Half a year.
The thought of this is mindboggling.
Half of me is happily surprised that it's been that long--we still have so many things to learn about oneanother. The other half of me can't believe that it's only been half a year; I hope for many more months to follow. I know him better than myself. I don't allow myself to imagine my life without his intertwined. Unimaginable can't cover it.
I like the fact that he is mine. I like how selfish I am about telling other people. I don't want them to understand us, I want them to say "Wait... You have a boyfriend"?
I have my very own drug that is essential for my sanity, my one person I can always count on, my go-to guy. (In more ways than one) Besides..
I don't want them in my business creating drama anyway: maybe that's why we have lasted this long.
Regardless of these reasons, my blog felt empty without him.
I'm so convinced that no one reads this that I have no reason to be jealous if any person were to stumble over this.
Isn't he adorable?
[DON'T ANSWER THAT, EVEN TO YOURSELF]
he is amazingly gorgeous although he looks pretty devilish >;D
Half a year.
The thought of this is mindboggling.
Half of me is happily surprised that it's been that long--we still have so many things to learn about oneanother. The other half of me can't believe that it's only been half a year; I hope for many more months to follow. I know him better than myself. I don't allow myself to imagine my life without his intertwined. Unimaginable can't cover it.
I like the fact that he is mine. I like how selfish I am about telling other people. I don't want them to understand us, I want them to say "Wait... You have a boyfriend"?
I have my very own drug that is essential for my sanity, my one person I can always count on, my go-to guy. (In more ways than one) Besides..
I don't want them in my business creating drama anyway: maybe that's why we have lasted this long.
Regardless of these reasons, my blog felt empty without him.
I'm so convinced that no one reads this that I have no reason to be jealous if any person were to stumble over this.
Isn't he adorable?
[DON'T ANSWER THAT, EVEN TO YOURSELF]
he is amazingly gorgeous although he looks pretty devilish >;D
innocence
I hate how people use the phrase 'losing your virginity',
as if it was a set of car keys that you misplaced on the counter or something.
kind of like it was something that was stolen by a stalking predator of the night (or something to that effect)
It's still hard for me to get my head around the fact that 13 year old girls aren't having sex, they're "fucking"
[And you don't want to get me started on that despicable terminology. I will scream: I hate that word, used in that contex, so fucking much.
You don't have to be all lame, and corny, and call it Making Tender Love, or whatever, but you CANNOT refer to it as that word.
Just the technical term works just as effciently.]
In my grade, it's normal, and probably to assume that if a couple has been dating for more than about four months, they are having sex. Simple as that.
I can't understand the concept of any pleasure comming from sex without any love.
I'm not here to lecture--
honestly, I'm just realllllllllllllllllly confused about my ethics here.
my morals are so screwed.
Possibly literally.
as if it was a set of car keys that you misplaced on the counter or something.
kind of like it was something that was stolen by a stalking predator of the night (or something to that effect)
It's still hard for me to get my head around the fact that 13 year old girls aren't having sex, they're "fucking"
[And you don't want to get me started on that despicable terminology. I will scream: I hate that word, used in that contex, so fucking much.
You don't have to be all lame, and corny, and call it Making Tender Love, or whatever, but you CANNOT refer to it as that word.
Just the technical term works just as effciently.]
In my grade, it's normal, and probably to assume that if a couple has been dating for more than about four months, they are having sex. Simple as that.
I can't understand the concept of any pleasure comming from sex without any love.
I'm not here to lecture--
honestly, I'm just realllllllllllllllllly confused about my ethics here.
my morals are so screwed.
Possibly literally.
Here Is Gone..
Meaning North Carolina.
My family and I will shortly be departing my humble abode to ride in a minivan for an excruciatingly long trip. A loooong trip. Very long. All the way down to Georgia. Right now, the bias really can't be summed up, for I am still unbearably angry about the whole ordeal. The bright side is that I actually have a very minuscule amount of time to do my work. Which is good. I don't want to be reminded of all the things that I should be doing.
To make things even better: Andrew's family may be moving. They are getting evicted. Notice how I supplied Andrew's family. He IS NOT moving. No. I will hide him, I will chain myself to his body, I will sell illegal drugs and make enough money to fly him down her every weekend.
I will do anything.
I am a determined girl, and I have my heart set on this.
He has to stay.
There is no other option.
Survival would be a foreign concept without him.
My family and I will shortly be departing my humble abode to ride in a minivan for an excruciatingly long trip. A loooong trip. Very long. All the way down to Georgia. Right now, the bias really can't be summed up, for I am still unbearably angry about the whole ordeal. The bright side is that I actually have a very minuscule amount of time to do my work. Which is good. I don't want to be reminded of all the things that I should be doing.
To make things even better: Andrew's family may be moving. They are getting evicted. Notice how I supplied Andrew's family. He IS NOT moving. No. I will hide him, I will chain myself to his body, I will sell illegal drugs and make enough money to fly him down her every weekend.
I will do anything.
I am a determined girl, and I have my heart set on this.
He has to stay.
There is no other option.
Survival would be a foreign concept without him.
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